Confession of a Coffee Addict

Well, I supose I have no right in calling myself a coffee addict considering the fact that I only started drinking coffee approximately two months ago. When one thinks of "addiction", or rather, when I think of "addiction", an image of a cracked out, hand-shaking, bags-under-your-eyes person who's been hooked for longer than six months comes to mind. Being addicted for two months, that is a pussy-sissy addiction. But holding true to my sexual preference and my nelly-ness, I declare myself, officially, addicted to coffee.

I first started drinking coffee because eating Doritos and devouring large amount of candy no longer do the trick of giving me a good afternoon pick-me-up buzz; I became cranky, mean and extremely lazy; in return, my productivity suffered greatly. Fearing that I may loose my job (haha, I laugh), I turned to something that I have always been grotesquely against - drinking coffee. Not only did I believe drinking coffee will one day make your heart explode, but, more importantly, it stains your teeth. It is bad enough that I suck down cancer sticks like a furnace, but drinking coffee also?? My teeth would turn British.

But after weeks and months of fighting the temptation, I finally gave in - I decided making ends meet was more important than keeping my teeth white, so I started to drink coffee. OOOoooo weeeee! Not only is my heart palpitating at an amazing speed, but I became a nicer person and lazy afternoons became a breeze.

So to summarize - here are the benefits of consuming large quantities of coffee:

1. Longer lasting happiness than a typical sugar rush
2. Facial muscles that control your smiles go right to work making you look much friendlier
3. Heart palpitation gives you the cardio workout to keep you skinny
4. You feel less hungry, similar effect to that of speed
5. A cup of coffee a day slows down the progression of Alzheimer's Disease (this is scientifically true, by the way)

Now, I drink two cups of coffee a day just to keep me smiling through the day, not to mention making me crystal-meth skinny. Well done.